RFC 1882

RFC 1882: The 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas 🎄✨

Okay bestie, this is RFC 1882 from the Network Working Group, written by B. Hancock (Bill Hancock, Ph.D., at Network-1 Software and Technology, Inc.) in December 1995. It's Category: Informational, so it's sharing info with the Internet community, not laying down a standard 💅. It doesn't list anything it obsoletes or updates 🦋.

Status of This Memo 🧚

This memo is just info for the Internet community. It does not specify an Internet standard of any kind 🌸. Distribution of this memo is unlimited, so share it with everyone 💖.

Discussion 🎄🎁

This is the main event, and it is pure chaos 😭. Here are the twelve days of tech disasters, in order.

On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway? 💀)

On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? what is even going on? 😵)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (rebuild WHAT?? it's a 10GB database!)

On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything 🙄)
• Two transceiver failures (now spewing packets all over the net 🌈)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (backup? what backup? 💀)

On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over 🎶)
• Three French users (why do they love arguing about trivial things so much? 😤)
• Two transceiver failures (how the hell do I know which ones they are? 🙈)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (pointer error? what's a pointer error? 🫠)

On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• Five golden SCSI contacts (of course they're better than silver! 👑)
• Four support calls (ever notice how time stands still on hold? ⏳)
• Three French users (no, we don't have footpedals on PC's. why do you ask? 🥖)
• Two transceiver failures (if I knew which ones were bad, I'd know which to fix!)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (not till next week? are you nuts?!?! 😭)

On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• Six games a-playing (on the production network, of course!! 🎮)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (what do you mean "not terminated!" 😤)
• Four support calls (no, don't transfer me again, do you HEAR? Damn! 💅)
• Three French users (no, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen... 📠)
• Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs, they're in the ceiling!! 🙃)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? that's where this was written? 🇳🇴)

On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• Seven license failures (expired? when? 📅)
• Six games a-playing (please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other! ☎️)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (what do you mean I need "wide" SCSI? 🤔)
• Four support calls (at least the Muzak is different this time... 🎵)
• Three French users (well, monsieur, there really isn't an "any" key, but... 🥐)
• Two transceiver failures (SQE? what is that? if I knew, I'd set it myself! 😩)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (no, I really need to talk to Lars, NOW! 📞)

On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• Eight MODEMs dialing (who bought these? they're a security violation! 🚨)
• Seven license failures (how many WEEKS to get a license?? 😭)
• Six games a-playing (what do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!? 🤯)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (fast SCSI? it's supposed to be fast, isn't it? 🏎️)
• Four support calls (I already told them that! don't transfer me back, DAMN! 💢)
• Three French users (no, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end a program 🙈)
• Two transceiver failures (what do you mean "babbling transceiver"? 🗣️)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (does anyone speak English in Oslo? 🌍)

On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• Nine lady executives with attitude (she said do WHAT with the servers?! 💁‍♀️)
• Eight MODEMs dialing (you've been downloading WHAT? 📥)
• Seven license failures (we sent the P.O. two months ago!! 📬)
• Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the network?! 🎮)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (what do you mean two have the same ID? 🆔)
• Four support calls (no, I am not at the console, I tried that already. 🙄)
• Three French users (no, only one floppy fits at a time? why do you ask? 💾)
• Two transceiver failures (spare? what spare? 🫥)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (no, I am trying to find Lars! L-A-R-S! 🔍)

On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• Ten SNMP alerts flashing (what is that godawful beeping? 🚨)
• Nine lady executives with attitude (no, it used to be a mens room? why? 🚻)
• Eight MODEMs dialing (what Internet provider? we don't allow Internet here! 🙅‍♀️)
• Seven license failures (SPA? why are they calling us? 📞)
• Six games a-playing (no, you don't need a graphics accelerator for Lotus! 🎮)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (you mean I need ANOTHER cable? 🔌)
• Four support calls (no, I never needed an account number before... 🫠)
• Three French users (when the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head crash! 🐈)
• Two transceiver failures (power connection? what power connection? ⚡)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (restore what index pointers? 🧩)

On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• Eleven boards a-frying (what is that terrible smell? 🔥)
• Ten SNMP alerts flashing (what's a MIB, anyway? what's an extension? 🤷‍♀️)
• Nine lady executives with attitude (mauve? our computer room tiles in mauve?! 💜)
• Eight MODEMs dialing (what do you mean you let your roommate dial in? 🏠)
• Seven license failures (how many other illegal copies do we have?!?! 😱)
• Six games a-playing (I told you, AFTER HOURS! 🕰️)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (if I knew what was wrong, I wouldn't be calling! 📞)
• Four support calls (put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating! 💅)
• Three French users (don't hang your floppies with a magnet again! 🧲)
• Two transceiver failures (how should I know if the connector is bad? 🤨)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that! 😤)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: 🎁

• Twelve virtual pipe connections (there's only supposed to be two!! 🚰)
• Eleven boards a-frying (what's a surge suppressor supposed to do, anyway? 🔥)
• Ten SNMP alerts flashing (from a distance it kinda looks like XMas lights! ✨)
• Nine lady executives with attitude (what do you mean aerobics before backups? 🏋️‍♀️)
• Eight MODEMs dialing (no, we never use them to connect during business hours. 🕗)
• Seven license failures (we're all going to jail, I just know it. 🚔)
• Six games a-playing (no, no, my turn, my turn! 🎲)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (great, just great! now it won't even boot! 🥲)
• Four support calls (I don't have that package! how did I end up with you?! 📦)
• Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backgrounds! 🙈)
• Two transceiver failures (maybe we should switch to token ring... 💍)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (no, operator, Oslo, Norway. we were just talking and got cut off... 📵🇳🇴)

---

Security Considerations 🔐

Security issues are not discussed in this memo. Literally not one word about it, so keep your guard up 😱💀.

Author's Address 🖋️

Bill Hancock, Ph.D.
Network-1 Software & Technology, Inc.
DFW Research Center
878 Greenview Dr.
Grand Prairie, TX  75050

EMail: hancock@network-1.com
Phone: (214) 606-8200
Fax: (214) 606-8220

That's the whole RFC, bestie! 🌈💖 Thank you, Bill, for the 12 days of pure chaos 🎄✨